Life Rules: The Ambiguous Paradigm of My Work Life

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Writing an article on a weekend is tough for numerous reasons; firstly the body, mind and soul are still at a snooze mode and secondly, the regular hindrances of life are missing during those two days. But on a sad note, Sunday is ending now and I am not at all ready to welcome Monday with open arms. There used to be a time when Mondays were just boring because the day meant going back to the boring everyday school or college work and studies. But now that I am a so called ‘Independent Working Woman’, the sacred day is supposedly the start of regular work place issues and confusions. Yes, you heard me right. I know most of the people do not take Mondays on such a negative note as I do. I am a qualified 21st century woman with an independent and ambitious mindset which automatically means I am supposed to be overjoyed by the thought of getting back to my workplace and performing in order to make my future brighter.  Even if I am not overjoyed, I am atleast supposed to feel just a tinge of lethargy and that’s all. Sadly, it is not at all true. Here I am sitting on a Sunday, penning down an article for the sake of sharing the heaviness I feel in my heart. There is nothing to get scared. I am not a victim of a horrendous social crime or a being of casual lunacy. I am just a woman who is regretting the decisions she took for herself. This has nothing to do with my personal life where I am lucky enough to have an army of people who love me unconditionally and I thank the almighty every day for that. This is one of those significant instances where I consider myself as a failure.  I am an average Indian girl from a middle class family who has been raised in a protective and loving environment. I have had the privilege to have a very loving family and have everything required to have a good lifestyle. I had always been an introvert since childhood which changed over the period and made me what I am. Yet the situation that has arisen today has put me into a state of perpetual depression and anxiety. Has this ever happened to you? Or is it just me? Being such an educated girl I never expected I would land up in a situation like this where I feel lonely, desperate, failure, anxiety and suicidal at times. I am not ashamed of what I am. I never was. But now, its just a different scenario all together. There were times in the last 3 months of my work life where I would tell myself that all shall pass and one day I will again be an achiever I was. Undue pressure and work life stress made me a numb stagnant being of all sorts. I was never this and never imagined. I waited patiently each day as I harmed myself more and more into the deteriorating career choice. I would keep a smiling face all day and deceive people who thought I was getting an opportunity of a lifetime which I was wasting. I pushed myself beyond physical limits and when there was no result, I was accused of being lethargic and dumb. I still persisted on doing what I was supposed to do and tried my best to keep the best face until one day it busted like a bubble. I could no longer take it and had a series of nervous breakdown. I would shiver and feel numbness all over my body. I cried and screamed for hours without being able to talk. I would curl myself into a little being and lie down in a dark corner of my house. I had no way to explain what was happening to me. I never thought I would be a victim of anxiety and depression one day. I talked about dying and the peace associated with it. I gave all kinds of horror to the people I love. Though I did not do anything to harm myself physically; I had destroyed myself mentally and emotionally beyond repair. I would just stay in fear of hearing a colleague’s voice or coming across people. I considered myself a failure and thought I would never be able to repair my broken confidence and integrity. I craved and wanted an escape from the nightmare I was living each day; day after day the horror of waking up in the morning and going through the same mental pressure. I would not name but a few people at work were definitely responsible for this. I may not have a valid proof but I knew where it went wrong and why it was unmendable.

It’s been a few days since these incidences and I am still trying to repair. I just thought I would write about it as writing is what makes me calmer. Sharing such an incident can both an embarrassment and stupidity on my part. But I personally feel it’s important to share both the good and bad parts of our lives. I wish such a situation never arises in any girl’s life. I wish I recover soon and resume life. The beautiful life it has, it is and it will always be.

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